Be heard on the issues that matter most to you!
Reviewed by Jeff Rosenfeld, Ph.D.
Director, Gerontology Program, Hofstra University
Professor, Sociology, Nassau Community College
It may take just one village to raise a child. But Dr. Pepper Schwartz finds that it takes a few different villages to fully enjoy “The Sensual Years”: Earthy villages for sharing the joys and woes of that sensuality; and other, slightly more upscale villages, for staying energized and “lush”. The fact that we come to recognize these as separate villages is both the greatest strength and the greatest weakness of this important book.
Prime describes Pepper Schwartz’s personal quest for love and adventure after her divorce. She finds herself with a 25-year marriage behind her, and enough time, resources, and options to search for something new – and more fulfilling – for the years ahead. At one level, Prime describes her search for “... a life partner and sexual adventures along the way.” (p.1). But in addition, Dr. Schwartz has decided to make herself an exemplar for other women who are looking for more romance and sexual fulfillment in later life.
Prime gives Schwartz’s readers more than autobiography. Prime is also a primer on late-life sexuality. The message is simple but important. Being single and of “A Certain Age” is no reason to give-up on sex. Pepper Schwartz knows – and we should too, that “You can have sex, and can want sex, way into old age,” And Pepper Schwartz offers herself up as a role-model for women who want to own their sensuality.
Prime describes Pepper Schwartz’s personal quest for love and romance. There is Dennis (younger, into long sessions of role-play and eyes-wide-open sex), Hugh (huge hands, late-night phone-calls, lots of oral sex), Ted (angry that she would fake an orgasm with him), Mick (impotent in Dubai), 4-handed massage in Bali, and more.
The great value of Prime is that the sexual experience is always wrapped in its psychological and interpersonal trappings. Schwartz wants to create meaningful, honest relationships with her lovers, and takes us along as she does the psychological work. She strives for what she calls “Unity of purpose and meaning” (p. 177) with each of her lovers; and we as readers learn how the relationships play out. We watch as she falls in love with Dennis, only to learn that he does not want to date her exclusively. Later, in the book’s most chilling moment, there is the discovery that those late-night phone calls from Hugh were made under the influence – and unbeknownst to Schwartz, Hugh has been an alcoholic all along. Relationships which seem destined for partnerhood are suddenly terminated, and the unlikely one(s) become hotter than hell.
So far so good. This is an honest account of sensual encounters deepening and then unraveling. All along the way, Schwartz’s readers get advice on internet dating (Go slow, but Go For It!), faking orgasm (“Let honesty flourish”), staying lush and staying safe. It takes a village to accomplish this; and Schwartz wisely thanks the women in this important village: her female friends, her women’s group (The Clitoritti), her therapist, her daughter and, one would assume, her travel agent.
But Schwartz also visits other, more upscale villages to maintain her Prime. These are privileged places where Schwartz goes to tone her body, buy expensive shoes and shop for lingerie. There are the far-away cities where she attends conferences, writes chapters for her books, and sleeps in boutique hotels. And there are her trips to the island paradise of Bali. Prime opens with Pepper Schwartz on a beach in Bali, and closes with her advising readers to travel far and wide, even alone (p. 253). Prime was written or at least conceived (sic) on Bali. Can most of Schwartz’s readers ever hope to enjoy the beaches or spas of Bali? Can most even afford a get-away to Chicago or Miami Beach? This calls attention to the books greatest strength, but also its greatest weakness.
Dr. Pepper Schwartz writes with the best of intentions. Prime is perhaps one of the most heartfelt and honest attempts to help women understand that midlife can be – perhaps has to be – the sexual prime of life. In this respect, Prime deserves the same praise as Betty Friedan’s Fountain of Age (Simon & Schuster, 1993) Friedan’s agenda was similar to Pepper Schwartz’s. Years ago, she reminded her readers that old age should be anadventure. Prime is significant because it gives older women the hope and confidence they need to make their lives sensual and lush.
But even Friedan’s path-breaking book was limited by her focus on the privileged few --- those wealthy friends and accomplished acquaintances who had been able to create something “unusual” for themselves. Prime has the same limitations. Readers want to find a lifetime partner, and most of them probably want to have sexual adventures along the way. But most of the people who read this book will never have the time or money for 4-handed massages on Bali. The theme that women can find love, romance and sexual adventure at any age is big enough and important enough. It was not necessary for Schwartz to include so many details from her privileged life.
Readers can easily assume that they need to be wealthy, famous and well-connected in order to enjoy their Prime. There should be less discussion of the ultimate 4-handed massage in Bali, and more reminders in Prime that an hour with the local masseur, or masseuse, is better than nothing.
reading this review, reminds me of my own journey through the post divorce middle age dating scene.... personal ads looking for love and/or sex, online chatrooms, online dating, anonymous meetings...
Dr. Pepper Schwartz writes with the best of intentions. Prime is perhaps one of the most heartfelt and honest attempts to help women understand that midlife can be – perhaps has to be – the sexual prime of life. In this respect, Prime deserves the same praise as Betty Friedan’s Fountain of Age (Simon & Schuster, 1993) Friedan’s agenda was similar to Pepper Schwartz’s. Years ago, she reminded her readers that old age should be anadventure. Prime is significant because it gives older women the hope and confidence they need to make their lives sensual and lush.
i volunteer to write the working class version of prime, it would not include massages in bali but it would be as erotic and life transforming. mine ends in a very comitted relationship with the man who started out as my master 5 years ago.
albeit in a cold, rainy foreign country...
This is a wonderful review of my book and I am honored and grateful, I would , however, like to say a few words about privilege. For the record, most of the adventures in this book could be had by any woman of any class. I don't think the larger message should get lost: that women can create adventure, romance and sexual satisfaction in their middle years-- and they hardly have to go to Bali to do so. (In fact, I did not have any adventures in Bali- I went there to write the book- not to be with someone.) Furthermore, the main place I stayed in Bali was sixty five dollars a night- pretty reasonable for almost any one compared to most hotels. I was a guest of the fabulous Aman resorts because I was writing this book and also a travel book ( Perfect Places for Passion-- working on it now!) and they are indeed fantasy places that only people of means can stay in ( and travel writers). But my great luck at staying in them has nothing to do with my larger message - enjoying our sensuality and sexuality all of our lives, and especially in our fifities, sixties and beyond! Pepper Schwartz
I was working...and a night shift on a sunday no less!!!
I think the comments about privilege being an extra not a necessity of having an exciting sex life past 50 are very true. I think one of the lessons learned with age is to focus on one's own pleasure and less on what anyone else may or may not be doing. after years of wonderful experimentation, one's own particular fetishes and turn on's become comfortable and ingrained.
I don't think it's true that women become more sexual as they age, I think young women who enjoy sex become older women who STILL enjoy sex! They just learn more about their bodies, their responses and gain confidence.
Of course I think it's worth saying that this applies to women who are now in middle age...meaning raised in the 50's-70's. It will be different discussion when today's young women reach middle age, I would guess they may have different issues...
i haven't read the book, just the review on this site, so am chiming in just to add my two cents (actually it's more like ten dollars).
between the ages of 59.25 to 60.25, i dated 26 men, all met on two internet dating sites.
-- none of the men was an alcoholic, none was younger than i, none was creepy.
-- they were mostly pretty wacky & eccentric, which is why they made great blog material. one of them remains a friend.
-- i was picky about dating and picky about sex.
-- before i met my boyfriend, five months ago (and 367 days after i started dating), i only had what could be called a 'relationship' with one of the other 25 men, and he's the one who's still a friend.
-- so i would say i had pretty good luck, but then, i was fairly single-minded in my pursuit of a partner (though i was working fulltime and still am). i didn't join an exercise club or start an exercise program; i just walked a lot. i didn't dye my hair; i just found someone who was really good at blow-drying it. i didn't buy expensive clothes, but i did buy a lot of them (am wearing them all these days, when i don't have time for shopping because my social life is so much better). and with the exception of two men from a nearby city, i met all of them in new york.
-- on my blog, sexagenarian and the city http://sexagenarian07.wordpress.com i talk about why sex with men in their 60s and early 70s is so good (quick answer: they've been married a lot and divorced a lot, ergo they've had lots of experience in pleasing many different women). They are so much better than men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s! Yes, i'm only talking about 3 men total, but they were a great 3.
It would have been fun to have compared notes with Pepper Schwartz while we were both dating. Possibly we could have recycled a few of the men, though it sounds as if our tastes are somewhat different.
NB my boyfriend is almost 71...since the day i met him, i haven't wanted to be with anyone else. for the story of how i turned down sex with the man i dated the day before i met the b/f, see
i just found this blog....absolutely amazing and inspiring!!!
http://supercrone.wordpress.com/2007/11/20/sex/
sex!!
Now that I have your attention, what I really want to talk about is…. sex. I’ve discovered that, contrary to popular opinion, the carnal urge does not decrease with age. Even after a quad bypass, raging emphysema, sags and wrinkles where once there were lithe curves, I’m as lustful now as I was forty years ago
Welcome, Supercrone! And for those who would like to take you up on your invitation, here is the link to Supercrone's Gather.com space:
http://supercrone.gather.com
It certainly is an interesting space!
(Supercrone is Dame Ruth, aka Ruth Dickson, who wrote "Married men make the best lovers," a bestseller back in 1967 and whose new book is called "Life, Death and Other Trivia" and can be found on Lulu.com.
