Sex In The Public Square - open relationships - Comments

Because honesty REALLY matters!

barkingstar — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 19:40:27 -0700

First, I am SO glad Elizabeth & the SITPS folks have given me the opportunity to give my (not always!) humble opinion. After I wrote this comment on Lisa's post, I realized that some people might misunderstand my use of the word "transactional." I was bouncing the ideas of "transformation" and "transaction" off of Eric Schneiderman's "Transforming the Liberal Checklist" article in The Nation (Vol. 286, #9, 3/10/08). Schneiderman uses the terms "transactional" and "transformational" in the context of political action, legislative action (ironically enough Schneiderman is a NY State Senator). Schneiderman posits "(t)ransactional politics requires us to be pragmatic about current realities and the state of public opinion. It's all about getting the best result possible given the circumstances here and now." Whereas "(t)ransformational politics is the work we do today to ensure the deal(s) we can get...in a year- or five years, or twenty years- will be better than the deal(s) we get today. Transformational politics requires us to challenge the way people think about issues, opening their minds to better possibilities."

I want to make it perfectly clear that I do NOT think that "any sense of sex as exchange is problematic." I believe ALL adult sex work should be legal, regulated, and safe for the provider and the customer. Yet, to be honest, I do have some misgivings about such a physically & emotionally vulnerable issue as sex to be simply a matter of market economics, to be only a materialistic item for sale. This is MY problem that I'll have to continue to reflect on. I may change my opinion, I may be enlightened to look at the issue in new and different ways. My one experience buying actual physical sex was NOT pleasant, and I would hesitate to ever do it again. As well, though I do buy porn, I am cynical towards the industry in general. I see such banality, inconsideration, and often a condescending exploitation of workers and customers. How much porn aims to be healthy, positive, and, well shit, altruistic even? This comes mainly from my own personal history of bad sexual experiences & my socialist economic views. But, yes, In general, I DO like porn!

So, in sum, I guess what I'm aiming to do in my own life, and to advocate to sex educators, therapists, workers, and artists is to be in the process of liberating people from the shame of exploitive sex, transforming society in the process. I certainly think this website is a MAJOR step in a positive direction for myself and our society. I hope others will elucidate their own experiences on both transactional and transformative aspects of sex. Thank You!

Transactions and transformations

Elizabeth — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 08:30:19 -0700

I love the way you discuss politicians' secrecy and shame as parallel to ours, and I'd guess theirs must be all the more magnified because they are so much more in the public view than the rest of us.

It is one of my goals for this site that it contribute to the expansion of space where sex can be open, where we can talk about our sex lives without giving in to the characterization of sex by the dominant culture as "somehow debased and coarse, intellectually vacuous," as you so clearly put it. Our launch party theme was "keeping sex out of the closet," and that seems so important for people regardless of sexual orientation. So thank you for helping us keep moving in that direction!

I'm curious about something you say near the end of your comment: "We need to stop the transactional nature of sexuality, and become more transformational." I love the idea of sex as transformation. "Transformational" describes a lot of my own experience of sex, for certain. But so does the notion of "exchange." When you say "transaction" I'm wondering if you mean that any sense of sex as exchange is problematic. I think of interaction in general as exchange: exchange of information, exchange of experience, exchange of energy and so on. Sex is certainly a set of exchanges. Not always calculated ones, though, as transactions would be. Is that the nature of the problem with a transactional framework, in your mind? That it is too calculated? I do think that there are times when sex can and should be transacted. The ability to buy a sexual experience (and the freedom to sell one) is important sometimes. I'd love to understand better exactly what you mean when you pose the transactional/transformational dichotomy.

Statehouses often look like frat houses

barkingstar — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:44:07 -0700

While we can hope our elected officials would be more open and honest about their sexual lives, the fact is until WE (our own selves, our neighbors, family, and friends) become more open and honest about our sexual lives, the politicians won't be forthcoming. Consider this:

From the AP: Statehouses often look like frathouses

It's a double-edged sword, for we often look to our elected officials to inspire and enlighten us, they look to us as their guides on how to enact legislation, and conduct themselves in their public and private lives. Most people are simply NOT open, and many not even honest, about their sexual lives. And it's not a matter of privacy vs. titillation, it's a matter of being healthy. Sexuality falls under the category of "health concerns." We regularly talk about our depression, obesity, acid reflux, ingrown toenails, backaches, our diet and exercise routines, so why not speak about our sexuality? We are imprisoned by the same dungeon of hypocrisy as our political leaders: shame and guilt, the pretense that sexuality is somehow debased and coarse, intellectually vacuous, and conditioned by a ridiculous sense of "political correctness" (why I just CAN'T be a good feminist if I like porn!). And so the frathouse mentality continues: secrecy, shame, titillation, and desperation. As long as people are so desperate, they'll pay ANY price, do ANYTHING for sexual gratification, then the way things stand are the way things will be: paying any price means sex sells! So San Fernando Valley & Madison Avenue sell it to us, winking at us that we're oh so dirty, while our public square selves, along with our religiously induced schizophrenia, force us into a strait jacket of incredulousness at the "perversity" of those whose sexuality is not a mental disorder bordering on obsessive/compulsive self destruction. We need to stop the transactional nature of sexuality, and become more transformational. To achieve healthy orgasm is to connect with the pulse of all humanity. It is to experience the divine revelation that we should love ourselves and love others likewise. It is to revel in the pleasure of being alive.