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I was reading Doonesbury yesterday and the cartoon pointed out the hypocrisy of certain Republican candidates for the presidential nomination. Between three of the leading Republican candidates, there are five divorces, "four really messy and all involving adultery."
Why do we retain monogamy as our dominant culture ideal when even those who most staunchly support it don't live by it? Why instead don't we teach a loving, honest and open polyamory as the ideal?
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...because public space really matters!
Elizabeth
Blog: Literate Perversions
“Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then finally y
I'd have to agree that there's no need to promote any particular arrangement as the "ideal," but instead allow people to explore whatever solution is best for them.
Monogamy has always come easy to me. Now that I'm married with children, my biggest concern is not whether or not my husband is sexually faithful to me, but negotiating a balance regarding childcare, housework, social life and family income. Sometimes I'd be happy to let my husband get sex elsewhere once in a while just so I can catch up on my sleep;) But if he were to be spending his time outside the home with someone else, I would have to pick up the slack at home and that's what would make me resentful.
I love the idea of polyamory in theory, but I think that in practice it would be very challenging. It's taken me years to find one man that I'm compatible with on every level. I feel incredibly lucky to be so well-matched, and I'm a little doubtful that I'm going to run into many other people who could fit that bill. AND taking on another lover would mean that person would have to be compatible with both of us, which narrows the field even further.
Still, I'd like to be open to that possibility. The idea of a sister-wife actually has some appeal, and so does a brother-husband:) It's just that my standards are very high and we have a lot of family obligations already. It wouldn't seem fair to expect a third lover to take on the responsibilities of our family, nor would it be fair for either myself or my husband to divert our energies outside the home anymore than we already do. It's already a delicate balance but we manage it remarkably well.
Tom Paine
author of "Polyamorously Perverse"
http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com/
I wonder if one reason it is so difficult to make polyamory work is that we are so ill-prepared to try it. What I mean is that all of our cultural training is for monogamy. Our institutions support monogamy rather than nonmonogamy, so it isn't any wonder that monogamy works for more people. I wonder how many people polyamory or other nonmonogamous options would work for if those were also supported culturally and by our institutions.
(I'm headed over to the thread Tom_Paine just started to take up the question of replacing one limiting ideal with another.)
...because public space really matters!
Elizabeth
