Be heard on the issues that matter most to you!
I made a new acquaintance the other day. I had seen her before. She’s a lesbian. We have some of the same friends and we travel in some of the same circles.
One common theme that comes up often in some of these circles is how straight men are assholes. And it’s true that a lot of them are assholes. But not all of them. Straight people. The topic comes up so often in the women’s community. It seems acceptable to complain about the straights. Like it’s a topic we all can agree on. We should all be able to commiserate about how horrible the straight people are. Especially those clueless straight men who just don’t get it.
I know what they are talking about. And I am bothered by a lot of those straight men, too. But they’re not all like that. I know a lot of really nice straight men. And the behavior of those clueless straight men is an embarrassment to them, too.I am bothered by generalizations and stereotypes. These conversations bashing straight men make me uncomfortable.
I usually try to let it go, but I can’t just listen to it. I say, “I know what you mean, but not all men are like that.” But they continue with the generalizations. “Well, some of them are okay,” I interject. “I actually have friends who are straight men.” But it’s like they don’t hear me. Or they don’t want to hear me.
Anyway, back to the lesbian I had just met. We’re on the subway together, just the two of us at this point. We’ve talked about a lot of things: work, living situations, food, etc. But she comes back around to the topic of slimy straight men. “So, I’m bisexual,“ I tell her. And now she’s shocked.
She’s shocked because she thought I was another lesbian, like her. Whenever I am hanging with my queer friends, it is assumed that I am a lesbian. They never assume that I am bisexual. And straight people assume I’m straight, because none of them ever assume I’m bisexual either. Nobody ever assumes I’m bisexual. On the other hand, I hate assumptions. Don’t assume I’m not bisexual; don’t assume I am bisexual. But whether or not, I am bisexual, don’t assume that I am about to buy into the stereotype that all straight men are assholes.
I can forgive people for not assuming I’m bisexual, but I don’t have room in my life for heterophobes or homophobes.
Lolita Wolf
Lolita there are so many thoughts your post evokes for me!
What bothers me most, though, I suppose, is the way your lesbian acquaintance assumed that as long as you were a lesbian it was okay to be so biased and, as you say, heterophobic. It's as bad as when white people assume as long as they're around white people it's okay to tell racist jokes, or that it's okay for men to talk trash about women as long as there isn't a woman in the room.
I'm also struck by the anger I feel when I read your words about not being recognized as bisexual. I face the same assumptions and have generally shoved the anger down and avoided experiencing it, but there is, really, a terrible feeling about being made so invisible. And while I would hate to make the category seem more "categorical" than it really is, it pisses me off to be seen incorrectly so much of the time.
Now, I'd love to know how you came to choose that particular photo! It's wonderful.
...because public space really matters!
Elizabeth
