Be heard on the issues that matter most to you!
I saw this article and it may have recieved more press in the states but I was really touched that a retired supreme court judge (and I can't imagine a man doing this) has come out to say that her husband who has been suffering with alzheimer's has begun a "relationship" with another woman in a care home where he now resides.
WASHINGTON (AFP) - When her husband of 55 years began seeing another woman, former US Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor did not begin high-profile divorce proceedings or condemn his infidelity
Indeed, it was O'Connor herself who recently went public with the news that her husband John, 77, who suffers from Alzheimer's disease, had struck up a relationship with a woman patient at a care facility in Arizona."Mom was thrilled that dad was relaxed and happy and comfortable living here, and wasn't complaining," one of the O'Connors' three sons, Scott, said on television.
Before meeting his new romantic interest, who also suffers from Alzheimer's disease, John O'Connor was depressed and had talked of suicide, his son said.
let's face it... we are all going to get old and I guess it's easier to avoid the subject but it's interesting to be reminded that sexuality and the need to be physically loved does not fade with age nor illness.
Relationships between Alzheimer sufferers can take the form of an almost child-like romance where the couple simply holds hands.
But sexual relations are not unheard of.
"Sex? People certainly develop new relationships and they can take a variety of different forms," said Reed.
"They are not children despite having a memory problem," he said.
"While hand-holding is one demonstration of caring and camaraderie and intimacy, it may well extend to something more physical," said Dessel.
and this....
To families, watching a father or mother, husband or wife begin a new life with a new person, even as they have difficulty remembering their children and spouse, can be hurtful.
"If the marital relationship was a happy one, this can be extraordinarily hurtful and the family can react with sadness and pain," said Dessel.
But, she said, an Alzheimer patient who embarks on a new relationship is not truly cheating on their marriage.
"These relationships are not based on adultery or betrayal. Alzheimer's patients lose so much of their past and very often have no memory or recall of anything of their lives, apart from their day-to-day experience.
"They live in the moment without the luxury of their past lives," Dessel said.
She praised O'Connor's reaction to her husband's new object of affection.
"I applaud her. I believe that her support is noble and selfless. She is really looking to support the health of her husband and is concerned only at this point with his happiness and well-being," said Dessel.
"You have to be like Justice O'Connor. You have to be selfless."
it's easy to say this is alzheimer's, they're old...but accidents and chronic illness can strike young people as well...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071110/ap_on_re_us/marriage_of_honor
i'm just wondering if anyone has any experience coping with sexual issues with a partner who suffers with a disabilty??
Irving Kenneth Zola was a mentor of mine in the Sociology department at Brandeis even though I never took a class with him. He died while I was in my second year of graduate studies there, and while I never took a class with him I did have two weeks of proseminar with him and I was moved by several things he taught us.
One piece of writing he shared had to do with sex and disability. It was an intensely personal piece narrating a sexual encounter at the same time as giving the history of a relationship. I was thrilled to be reminded of it by your question, TracyA, so I googled one the one complete phrase I remembered from it -- "I fairly shout I love you" -- along with his name, and was even more thrilled when it turned up at the top of my google search. Here is the link to the piece, called "Sing a Song in Silence":
http://irvingzola.com/song.htm
The other writings on that web site are well worth checking out. Zola was a pioneer in disability studies. Oh, and he was also the husband of Judy Norsigian, one of the founders of the Boston Women's Health Book Collective, which publishes the amazing Our Bodies Ourselves. In fact it was Judy Norsigian who put the irvingzola.com web site together so that some of Zola's previously unpublished work would be accessible.
...because public space really matters!
Elizabeth
thanks elizabeth for that link!! i've read through a few (still working nights), they were so moving. it's interesting to read accounts of sex through the eyes of someone who may have different limitations.
i think the concept of physical/emotional limitations is a universal feeling, we all feel imperfect in some way so the stories really strike a chord for me.
being a nurse, i will also being looking at my patients differently. for instance we had a young (30's) woman last year who had guillian-barre syndrome. she was as near to death as a human can be, but survived. surely at 33, with a husband and two small children, her sex life is not over. how does this man who has seen his wife so critically ill ever feel comfortable initiating sex??
i hope they are able to relearn what sexual intimacy is.
Bodies are amazing things in their adaptability and their resilience. It may well be our minds that need more retraining!
Here's a link to an organization based in the UK called The Outsiders. They're a group of disabled people working on issues of disability and sexuality.
http://www.outsiders.org.uk/
On their front page is a list of their goals, and the first one is "Work together to campaign for the acceptance of disabled people as sexual partners"
...because public space really matters!
Elizabeth
yes, elizabeth, i was referring to this woman being too fragile. in her case, her lungs were so badly damaged by the special ventilator, part of one had to be removed. i can't see her ever being able to lie flat and have a man on top of her banging away....i CAN see a number of other positions that would be easier.
it sounds crude but thousands of people are born with disabilities and thousands more suffer trauma and life threatening illness. i've spent the day trying to find more information. here's a few things i found...
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2004/oct/13/disability.socialcare
http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1851774,00.html