Questions about transitioning from a monogamous to an "open" relationship

Crispy, I've heard several recommendations for the same source that may be of use to you.

There is a book called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that includes chapters like Roadmaps through Jealousy, Opening and Existing Relationship, and Embracing Conflict. I have not read the book myself, but I am familiar with some of their other books, and they have impressed me.

Hopefully some other folks will chime in with thoughts and advice for you. It would be interesting to have you keep us abreast of your progress as you go through this time of transition.

All the best,

Lou

- Were both members of the couple allowed to pursue other individuals, or was it just one party?

In our case we were both free to pursue other connections. For me this is very important. Equality in the relationship is important. And one of our biggest challenges has been that while we have equal freedom we have had very unequal success.

- Did the decision to make the relationship open come out of a general interest in pursuing other relationships, or because one party had already found someone else of interest, and then sought permission from/agreement with the existing partner?

We began with a philosophy that was not monogamous to begin with. But our relationship was monogamous anyway for the first three years. We formally opened it after our lives began developing in new directions and we were each meeting lots of new people. As an aside, for the first three years of our relationship we were living on a boat and every waking moment not spent at work was spent at the marina doing things related to keeping our home afloat, so we were very tightly bonded to each other and to a mutual project. After moving off the boat we each had much more time to pursue different interests. It doesn't surprise me that it was then that we began to open our relationship. It was the first time there was really room to do so.

- Were there difficulties with jealousies from one or both parties? Did the third person experience jealousy issues with the original relationship?

Jealousy has not been a big issue, though there have been times when we've each wanted more time with the other. Typically this has to do with other activities and not other relationships, though. It's interesting to me that the jealousy or loneliness tends not as often to be about other people as it does about other ways we'res pending our time. My other partners all have their own primary partners and so have not had issues of jealousy that I've been aware of anyway. Or at least not serious ones.

- Were there “rules” established about how the original partners could conduct their relationship? And specifically, did the rules require that the partner in the new relationship notify the other partner when such liaisons were occurring?

We do have some basic rules. We do tell each other if we're going to see someone. And we check it with the other's schedule to make sure that there are no conflicts. It is important to us to always affirm that we come first to each other. It is the stability of our relationship that makes all this other exploration and connection possible.

- If you were the other partner, would you *want* to know when such liaisons were occurring? Why or why not?

I do want to know. I am turned on by the idea. He feels differently. We have agreed to only share what the other wants to know. 

What if the other partner didn't want to know? Would that suggest potential jealousy issues that might cause problems down the line? Or might it be normal that someone just didn't want to know anything at all about their significant other's "extracurricular" activities?

I have a good friend in this style of relationship. They have been together for 4 years now. Adlibbing here he says something akin to "Our imaginations are way worse than our actions. It works better for us to not give our imaginations extra details to warp. It is assumed the other person is having sex, and it is just like when we have sex. It doesn't work for some, but it works for us." Then he would shrug his shoulders. I have no personal experience on the matter, so I can only relay converstions with a friend.

I am curious as to why the questions are being asked in the first place, particularly when framed as 'I am curious'.

Are you just curious, are you contemplating such a transition, are you seeking advice, or are you attempting to initiate a discussion around these issues? You asked for people's experiences, and some have shared those, others have offered general advice.

I would answer the more general question as - with extreme caution if you value your current relationship. As has already been mentioned, some mutually agreed ground rules are essential, to which I would add periodic, if not continuous re-evaluation. All relationships require work to sustain them, monogamous or otherwise.

Some of your questions hint at imbalance or lack of reciprocity, and I would suggest that just as within a monogamous relationship, imbalance in power relationships and in growth have destructive potential. It sometimes helps to put yourself in the shoes of the other partner and to contemplate how your actions might appear, and be interpreted correctly or incorrectly, and how you might react.

This is not supposed to be either a proscription or a prescription, but I would caution people to think through any major changes in a relationship very carefully and to place great value on exploratory dialogue.

Is Polyamory as Alternative to Marriage? A Sociological Inquiry into Jealousy 

Jillian Deri, PhD Candidate, Simon Fraser University, Vancouver, British Columbia, CANADA jhderi@sfu.ca

While it is still a marginal practice that remains unrecognized within official census data, polyamory is increasingly receiving media attention and political credibility. Polyamory refers to a form of non-monogamous relationships where people maintain multiple, simultaneous sexual relationships where all parties are aware and consenting. By examining the phenomenon of polyamorous relationships among women in Vancouver, BC, my doctoral research highlights the sociological and gendered construction of jealousy, illuminating the socio-cultural determinants by which people learn and unlearn the emotion of jealousy individually, within romantic relationships, and within the subculture of polyamory. Sexual jealousy is one of the main reasons cited for legitimating the necessity of monogamy. By creating language to discuss and analyze jealousy, polyamorists provide examples of relationship structures that contradict conventional beliefs about how jealousy is natural and inevitable and the supposed gendered ways that jealousy is experienced and expressed. Using a Foucaultian perspective, I inquire into how polyamory does and does not challenge the institution of marriage. How does sexual jealousy operate as a technology of normalization within the institution of monogamy/marriage? How is this being resisted by those who practice polyamory?

Proceedings of the Canadian Sociological Association Meeting 2008: 29