Gaining sexual confidence


I am a 34-year old male who is likely on the brink of divorce. Among some other reasons, a big part of the problems within my marriage has been the fact that neither of us has been happy with our sex life together. My biggest problem has always been that I knew that she felt no real "chemical" attraction to me, and therefore, I lacked a great deal of confidence in bed with her. I tended to focus almost solely on getting her off, which I was able to do, but for her, it made sex extremely routine and unfulfilling in a larger sense. Meanwhile, I wasn't being fulfilled, either, because sex for me was just a big blow to my ego.

Before my wife, to whom I've been married for 10 years and sexually active with for 12, I have only been sexually involved with two other women, and only one of them on more than one occasion. My experiences with both of those women took place when I was 17 and 18 years old. Suffice to say I've been extremely limited in my sexual experiences.

One of the things that has come out of conversations with my wife and in counseling is that my lack of confidence can be a huge problem because being confident is sexy. And yet I find myself on the verge of trying to get back out in the dating world, or, at the very least, trying to resurrect my relationship with my wife. Either way, I know that I need to gain some confidence sexually. But as if I weren't already lacking enough in that category, my wife had sex with two other men while we were having our own issues, and that has caused what little sexual self-esteem I had to drop down to zero.

I am wondering how I can possibly go about boosting my sexual self-confidence under these circumstances. The only real advice I've heard from anyone so far is to "fake confidence until you really start to feel it." That may work for me in other areas of my life, but I can't really envision how faking confidence in the bedroom is going to be effective. If I'm not really feeling it, it seems certain that lack of confidence is going to manifest itself through body language and become apparent to any partner I might be lucky enough to have. That seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

So I'm wondering if anyone can suggest a way for me to gain confidence where none exists currently. Unfortunately, I don't really have any friends who would be willing to experiment with me and help me in that category. I'm not sure where else to turn. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.