advice

Reviewed by Jeff Rosenfeld, Ph.D.
Director, Gerontology Program, Hofstra University
Professor, Sociology, Nassau Community College

It may take just one village to raise a child. But Dr. Pepper Schwartz finds that it takes a few different villages to fully enjoy “The Sensual Years”: Earthy villages for sharing the joys and woes of that sensuality; and other, slightly more upscale villages, for staying energized and “lush”. The fact that we come to recognize these as separate villages is both the greatest strength and the greatest weakness of this important book.

Prime describes Pepper Schwartz’s personal quest for love and adventure after her divorce. She finds herself with a 25-year marriage behind her, and enough time, resources, and options to search for something new – and more fulfilling – for the years ahead. At one level, Prime describes her search for “... a life partner and sexual adventures along the way.” (p.1). But in addition, Dr. Schwartz has decided to make herself an exemplar for other women who are looking for more romance and sexual fulfillment in later life.

Prime gives Schwartz’s readers more than autobiography. Prime is also a primer on late-life sexuality. The message is simple but important. Being single and of “A Certain Age” is no reason to give-up on sex. Pepper Schwartz knows – and we should too, that “You can have sex, and can want sex, way into old age,” And Pepper Schwartz offers herself up as a role-model for women who want to own their sensuality.

Prime describes Pepper Schwartz’s personal quest for love and romance. There is Dennis (younger, into long sessions of role-play and eyes-wide-open sex), Hugh (huge hands, late-night phone-calls, lots of oral sex), Ted (angry that she would fake an orgasm with him), Mick (impotent in Dubai), 4-handed massage in Bali, and more.

The great value of Prime is that the sexual experience is always wrapped in its psychological and interpersonal trappings. Schwartz wants to create meaningful, honest relationships with her lovers, and takes us along as she does the psychological work. She strives for what she calls “Unity of purpose and meaning” (p. 177) with each of her lovers; and we as readers learn how the relationships play out. We watch as she falls in love with Dennis, only to learn that he does not want to date her exclusively. Later, in the book’s most chilling moment, there is the discovery that those late-night phone calls from Hugh were made under the influence – and unbeknownst to Schwartz, Hugh has been an alcoholic all along. Relationships which seem destined for partnerhood are suddenly terminated, and the unlikely one(s) become hotter than hell.

So far so good. This is an honest account of sensual encounters deepening and then unraveling. All along the way, Schwartz’s readers get advice on internet dating (Go slow, but Go For It!), faking orgasm (“Let honesty flourish”), staying lush and staying safe. It takes a village to accomplish this; and Schwartz wisely thanks the women in this important village: her female friends, her women’s group (The Clitoritti), her therapist, her daughter and, one would assume, her travel agent.

But Schwartz also visits other, more upscale villages to maintain her Prime. These are privileged places where Schwartz goes to tone her body, buy expensive shoes and shop for lingerie. There are the far-away cities where she attends conferences, writes chapters for her books, and sleeps in boutique hotels. And there are her trips to the island paradise of Bali. Prime opens with Pepper Schwartz on a beach in Bali, and closes with her advising readers to travel far and wide, even alone (p. 253). Prime was written or at least conceived (sic) on Bali. Can most of Schwartz’s readers ever hope to enjoy the beaches or spas of Bali? Can most even afford a get-away to Chicago or Miami Beach? This calls attention to the books greatest strength, but also its greatest weakness.

Dr. Pepper Schwartz writes with the best of intentions. Prime is perhaps one of the most heartfelt and honest attempts to help women understand that midlife can be – perhaps has to be – the sexual prime of life. In this respect, Prime deserves the same praise as Betty Friedan’s Fountain of Age (Simon & Schuster, 1993) Friedan’s agenda was similar to Pepper Schwartz’s. Years ago, she reminded her readers that old age should be anadventure. Prime is significant because it gives older women the hope and confidence they need to make their lives sensual and lush.

But even Friedan’s path-breaking book was limited by her focus on the privileged few --- those wealthy friends and accomplished acquaintances who had been able to create something “unusual” for themselves. Prime has the same limitations. Readers want to find a lifetime partner, and most of them probably want to have sexual adventures along the way. But most of the people who read this book will never have the time or money for 4-handed massages on Bali. The theme that women can find love, romance and sexual adventure at any age is big enough and important enough. It was not necessary for Schwartz to include so many details from her privileged life.

Readers can easily assume that they need to be wealthy, famous and well-connected in order to enjoy their Prime. There should be less discussion of the ultimate 4-handed massage in Bali, and more reminders in Prime that an hour with the local masseur, or masseuse, is better than nothing.